▶ Your Answer :
As the society has become been bigger and more complex, people have
also changed their attitude towards others. Obviously, it is true that some
people are less polite than ever before. There are a couple of reasons why they have changed like this.
Firstly, many people, especially relatives, were lived in the same village, so they knew each other very
well, and they should be polite to others to keep their relationships. However,
after many young people went to cities for a job and education, they have lived
in a small family consisting of three or
four people. In addition, most families do not know much about their
neighbors. <(so what? 이 내용의 결론이 무엇인가요? 이 내용이 어떻게 사람들을 less polite하게 만들었나요?)
Secondly, the trend of society has gradually focused on
individuals than groups. When people lived in the same place for a long time, they helped each other and overcame
difficult problems together for the group. In On the other hand, today people today perceive
individuals as the most important object in society, because they are likely to
move somewhere frequently because of/due to their workplace and some other reasons.
Thus, they begin to treat other people with apathy and it unconsciously causes
impoliteness.
Society has been always changing since it had been built and
it is a natural phenomenon. Nevertheless, I think that the politeness is the
most important value in diverse circumstances to keep our communities healthy
and better because showing respect to others even though we don’t know them is
the first step to go forward to a better
relationship in members. Anyway, it is not changed that we are living as a
member of society so we have got to learn how to mingle with others in a right
way.<(굳이 필요한 내용은 아닙니다. 글쓴이의 주장을 support 해주는 내용은 아닙니다)
In conclusion, many people are less polite to others than before as the society has been changed due to its trends.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 설명이나 elaboration이 조금 더 필요한 곳이 있습니다. 세 번째 문단의 경우 글쓴이의 주장이나 질문을 답 해주는 내용이 아니기 때문에 필요한 내용이 아닙니다. 문법상 시제/어순/collocation/punctuation/에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다! |