▶ Your Answer :
It is widely acknowledged that TV has been
a part of our daily lives in recent years. Some people insist that it has more negative
effects on children. I agree with the statement. <(그 이유도 간단하게 전달을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) This essay will discuss the reasons
why I believe that tv is likely to influence badly on the young.
To begin with, one of the bad points is
that TV has discouraged in the development of children’s creativity. Everything
that they have experienced in the period of growth significantly influences on
the mental and physical growth. It <(what is it?) makes them caught in restricted thoughts since it provides limited knowledge. In addition, they are inclined to follow
something which they have seen through the screen no matter what would be.<(elaborate)
Another one of the negative factors
contributing to tv for children would be indolence. Children They tend to spend most of their time on watching TV since they are addicted to watch it. Consequently, it disturbs
their studying, resulting in making their academic performances bad. Moreover,
the phenomenon that the young just sit in front of the TV and watch it is
not good for their physical health. They are possible to It is possible for them to neglect the regular
exercising due to being hooked with the TV shows them hooked on it.
In conclusion, in my opinion, I personally
agree with the idea that TV is harmful to children since there are
disadvantages due to hindering creativity and indolence in studying and
exercising.
Score: 6 Comment: 글자수가 250 미만입니다. Reader가 내용이 부족하다고 판단을 할 경우 패널티가 적용이 될 수 있습니다. 단점들을 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 elaborate가 조금 더 필요한 부분이 있습니다. 또한 전체적으로 cohesion에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 capitalization/시제/문장구조/에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다!
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